Lately I have been focusing on my art and any inclination to write, or in this case type out what’s on my mind takes a back seat to markers and paper. Actually, it’s not even along for journey. Plus, there is nothing currently going on locally, nationally or globally that isn’t bumming me the fuck out. I’m not built in a way to allow myself to be ignorant in order to achieve bliss. Times like these make me wish I was. If discussion could really solve the problems that are occurring, I’d go into the podium building business. But when I look at the news on TV or read the constant stream of updates on the web, all I see is foul action and I do not believe peaceful speech is powerful enough to oppose that. Even that belief is not 100%, if I’m keeping it 100. There is the non-violent, hippie side of me yelling EVERYBODY PLEASE JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
Sometimes doing nothing is a tougher task than doing something. Gritting your teeth and taking the punch is a lot more difficult than retaliating. Turning the other cheek; yeah, it’s a noble act. But you can only be so noble before one of two things give: your chin or your willpower. I feel like the collective chin of the globally beat-down-upon is in critical condition. I’m not going to be the one to talk that uprising/overthrowing shit. If you ask me (which you are if you’re reading this), I feel like the floor will collapse from underneath us all — rich & poor, oppressor & oppressed, “black”, “white” and every hue in between — and we’ll all have to start from scratch. Everyone is clearly created different so to say the playing field would be completely even is a bit silly. What will be exposed though is the necessity for pure kindness and the willingness to work en masse. Stepping on the necks of others has to become a thing of the past.
Instead of sounding off on crazy jews or homicidal cops, for now, I’m just going to post pictures of moleskine art. Some of these are days old, some are from a few years ago. Some led to designs that ended up on apparel, others stopped where they began. I like to see the scrap/sketchbooks of artists. I think it gives a more intimate look into the mind of the person holding the pen/pencil/brush. So, yeah…
I really need a new tripod.
Went out to get some food with the og a few days ago. We’re riding around, and there’s a lady in the car ahead of my car, doing something abnormal. I don’t remember what exactly. From my passenger seat, the following is shouted: “oh what the fuck are you doing”, “get the fuck…”,”…this dumb bitch”. There were some other things dished out as well, but those are basically the meat and potatoes of that rage platter. A platter, slathered in brown, cantankerous gravy. He was so pissed, and he got to that level so quickly. Internally, I was having a chucklefest. It’s funny to me when anyone gets mad to that extent, for no legit reason (he wasn’t even driving). Outside, I probably wore a look of confusion, with a hint of concern for what I’m sure was a strong upward jolt in his blood pressure. We all got home safely though. No further incidents of shotgun road rage.
I’m home chilling on the back porch, starring at the trees, feeling small, physically not psychologically, and I got the urge to write.
REALIZE YOUR INSIGNIFICANCE IN THE GRAND SCHEME NOT WHAT YOU DO BUT WHAT YOU ARE YOU ARENT IMPORTANT ANNOYANCE BEING BOTHERED ALL SIGNS THAT YOU THINK/FEEL YOU ARE IMPORTANT YOU ARENT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR ACTIONS DISCOVER THIS TRUTH AND FREE YOURSELF FROM BEING ANNOYED BEING BOTHERED BEING ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED ESPECIALLY BY ACTIONS TAKEN OUT ON YOU WHY DO YOU FEEL YOU SHOULD BE FREE OF INCONVENIENCE? YOUR ROAD TO WHEREVER SHOULD BE CLEAR OF BUMPS BECAUSE OF WHAT THERE IS NO REASON DESERVING ANYTHING IS A PRIVILEGE YOU DESERVE NO MORE PRIVILEGE THAN THE ANTS ON YOUR BASEBOARD ONCE YOU REALIZE THAT SIMPLY BREATHING ISNT ENOUGH OF A REASON FOR THINGS TO GO YOUR WAY YOU GET OVER TROUBLES ANNOYANCES HARD TIMES BUMPS IN YOUR PATH INCONVENIENCES QUICKER YOUR ABILITY TO MOVE ON STRENGTHENS THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU R UNDESERVING OF RESPECT OR THINGS OF THAT NATURE THOSE ARE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD PRACTICE DONT TAKE THEIR LACK OF PRACTICING THOSE THINGS PERSONAL YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH OTHER PEOPLES SHORTCOMINGS
LOL @ “discover this truth”. That’s some real BS GURU stuff, right? I practice it though. I joke when I tell people I’m at constant zen. I have a loose grasp of understanding Buddhism so I really don’t know if my (mostly) constant state of being is zen like at all. It’s probably not. I’m chill though. Realized I ain’t shit long time ago.
What’s this about? I don’t know. I just felt like posting pictures from my phone
Being nice is easy. I’ve heard/read that statement numerous times and I believe it to be true. I try to practice it, and I want to get to a point in my life where it is my natural state and reaction, almost on some muscle memory type of shit.
Rewind back to a few days ago, floating in a stew of traffic that is part rush hour and part results of an accident. As I approach the highway overpass, there are cars exiting the off ramp. Traffic relations are easy to maintain if everyone is patient and considerate (two key components in being nice [wild assumption]). But for some fucking reason, the science of proper merging is something a lot of people are totally unaware of. If a lane is closed, and signs are posted stating that, why is there always an asshole that hauls ass up to the point of no return? This particular day, I happened to be the individual who held that driver’s near future in my grip. I battled with myself. Part of me wanted to pull up and not allow this fucker to merge. They need to learn that you shouldn’t do dickhead shit like that. But, in trying to teach that lesson, I feel like I become the person I’m unnecessarily trying to punish. So, I put being nice into practice, by doing nothing. Easy. You would think the internal conflict would be over, right? NOPE. Not with me. I know that this person will find themselves in this situation again and approach it with the same thoughtless, selfish tactics. And I feel like I could have taught them a lesson. I COULD HAVE MADE THEM A BETTER PERSON lol… I’m like the dude who has the time machine and chooses everyday to not go back and kill baby Hitler.
Being nice is easy. Being nice all the fucking time is not… unless you get good at it. Practice. We talkin’ bout practice.
I haven’t been driving long. I would say not quite 3 years. I have had 2 accidents in that time. Both incidents were in the early am. Both times, I fell asleep behind the wheel. It’s some scary shit to be woken up in such a violent manner. Those incidents have turned me into a more cautious driver before I even get behind the wheel. Sometimes. Other times, my impatience, and partially my pride, give me a boost of confidence I probably shouldn’t have. Late Tuesday night, going into Wednesday morning, I’m leaving NYC, heading back home to Baltimore. I’m frugal so the first thing I do after punching my address into the GPS is changing the settings to avoid tolls. That of course makes my drive longer. No big deal. So I’m either on the NJ turnpike or the Garden State Parkway and a notification comes up alerting me of a route option that will shave 6 minutes off my total time. I looked at it for a second, thought about declining it but I didn’t. I accept the change, wait for the re-routing to take and that’s when the fun started. This shit had me on some back roads through Jersey. I’m talking NO street lights, no guard rails, very faint dividing center lines. There was a deer crossing sign that made me drop down about 15 mph, which about 30 seconds later I was grateful for because I zoomed pass 2 deer. I’ll never forget the demon eyes produced when my headlights met their pupils. I started to freak out a bit. My freaking out isn’t expressed through panicking, erratic breathing, sweating or anything like that. I laugh. The Killing Joke style of laughter. It’s a little creepy, I’ll admit. “This shit is nutzo” was a recurring thought as I enter and exited bends. It was so dark, I’m pretty sure I was only able to see about 15 feet in front of my car, which would be sufficient if I was doing the posted speed limit. I was waiting for a murderous figure or the bitch from The Ring to be standing in the middle of the road. It was that kind of darkness. So, I’m sort of white knuckling it, eyes darting all over the place, kind of giggling and wondering if I made a mistake hitting that got damn accept box. Pretty sure I was doing around 70 mph. What I am not doing is getting sleepy. Drowsiness is probably clinging onto my rear bumper. I’m not sure how long I was on that series of roads but eventually, I ended up on I-95 (in northern PA). My heart rate dropped. My muscles relaxed. My mind slowed. All bad things, things I don’t need to happen, all things that feel too familiar. Third times the charm is the saying, right? Yeah. I decide to not test that. A combination sigh and ‘fuck yes’ fell out my face when I saw the exit sign for some 24 hour food spots. After I parked my ride, I relaxed and thought about that alert. It was the first time I have received one while already en route. Being the person I am, I played a quick game of what-if. It’s a dark game. I didn’t play it for long.
I woke up around 5 hours later, very thankful to be in that Denny’s parking lot.
What to talk about? That’s a very important question when maintaining a blog, right? Yeah. When your response is I don’t know or the sound of silence, it makes it pretty fucking hard to maintain said blog. Welcome to the dilemma I have been facing. Its not that there isn’t anything going on around me. There are plenty of topics I could touch on. Expressing my views on global going-ons has never been a problem. It’s just lately, I have been in a mind state where the amount of fucks I give about things I could speak on goes from (insert numerical value) to zero in less than a nanosecond. Mustering up the small amount of energy it takes to type out a few hundred characters doesn’t seem worth it anymore. Or I just can’t define what the “it” I’m trying to assign value to is. Perhaps its the fact that expressing my views on things and not getting instant feedback is a mental roadblock of sorts. And that’s not to say this avenue of expression is about seeking attention and approval. But, there is something about sitting at a desk, typing your thoughts out to an audience that may or may not be there that isn’t as inviting vs physically being around like minded people who can comment on whatever opinions are shared. And whether its a cosign or a rebuttal, something is instantly gained during those interactions. And you grow just a little bit, or at least I do. Seems like I did have something to talk about after all.
Google defines ecstatic as feeling or expressing overwhelming happiness or joyful excitement. Due to choices and decisions I have made over the past year or so, it’s a feeling I don’t often have these days. On March 28th, I was fortunate enough to see Nas perform in DC with a live orchestra. I left the venue ecstatic. My emotional gas tank was full of joy-fuel.
I have to finish laughing at myself.
One second… okay, I’m done.
If there is a point to this entry, it’s that the act of balancing is never-ending, and I am severely off-balance. Time to fix that.
That’s it. TED speech over.
I love conspiracies. I love envisioning some crazy not too distant future where some global catastrophic event happens and humans go back to living in tribes on some hunter-gather shit. Or, we have robot overlords. I mean, I really find it hilarious and entertaining, and I also love using real life, present day events and seeing how I can spin it so this present can lead to those nutty future. It’s fun. It’ll never happen though. Why? Because my cell phone freezes and I don’t do shit about it. I just stare at it, maybe give it a little rattle, curse at it and then it blinks and starts acting not-retarded again. And that’s a horrible way to treat a sick thing. Have you ever been around someone who was having a seizure? After that person is done convulsing and choking, the next thing that happens is they get sent to a hospital. Something was not right. You were acting abnormal. You sort of looked like you were back to normal but we aren’t sure so lets go have you checked out. That’s EVERY TIME some shit like that happens. Now, how often do you take your phone to the phone vet? Ever get that thing looked at by a trained cell phone technician when it randomly shuts off and turns back on? No? Your phone fainted while crossing the street and you did nothing. And that is why I believe a robot apocalypse is extremely unlikely to happen. Nobody will be there to fix them when they break.
The phrase listen to your body seems cliché. So few people seem to take it serious. I take it serious. Very serious. In the past 18-24 months, I put my body through a variety of changes, from tweaking my workout every 3 months to working different shifts which in turn screwed with my sleeping patterns. I’m back to what most would consider a normal schedule, up with the sun, work 8 hours, gym, sleep. Sometimes, my body let’s me know this shit isn’t suppose to be. Between 9:30 and 10 am, I get this increase of internal warmth and a slight burst of energy. I have to walk away from my desk at times, it is that intense. When I was working the midnight shift a little over a year ago, that would be the time I would hit the gym. I don’t think that’s a coincidence at all. Whether its my body, and in some way my subconscious, reverting back to that time or some inherently natural physiological response to that time of day that dates back to childhood (reaching there but screw it), I am being told that sitting on my ass, staring into a monitor isn’t what I should be doing.
Or maybe I’m just addicted to getting buff** and its the itch screaming scratch me.
*does push ups under my desk *
** = I’m far from that