typed over the course of some un-calculated number of days

A whole lot of porn gifs on my Tumblr stream. And I’m realizing that I just have to search harder on there for scenes with black women. Need some fucking variety.

Still working at a place I don’t want to be at for people I don’t deeply care about. Still trying to get a permanent slot — which is really just shorthand for get paid more, get better benefits and the weekends off (maybe). But I’ve become a firm believer in putting energy into getting the things you want. I don’t mean physical energy, in this case. I mean the positive energy of more or less saying to yourself “I want this. I will get this. It has to happen because I feel like I need it to.” Like, a kind of desperate, last-ditch mental effort sort of energy. And I don’t really have that. At least not to give to something I don’t want to do. My paychecks just really stink at the moment.

Every now and then, I’ll google Aiyana Jones. I wish I knew why her name stays in my head. One of the many victims of negligent police. I really hope the cop who pulled the trigger suffers psychologically every day, until he kills himself.

And what’s odd is for the past 2 weeks or so, I’ve tuned out the daily news. I heard someone suggest that the day-to-day news is actually a distraction from the things that matter. I don’t know exactly what those “things” were — different things to different people, for sure. I agree with the statement more than I disagree. The daily news (to me) feels way too repetitive to be as informative as it is intended to be.

Trying your best to remove thoughts of the future is the greatest ally when it comes to getting to know people. In any capacity. Expectations could potentially ruin something that’s perfect for the moment. Today’s blessings tend to get overlooked for tomorrow’s dreams. Under-appreciated as well. I don’t know, I might just be caught up in these slow exhales. Oh Mary Mary Mary

The downside to self-awareness is the potential for becoming obsessed with your own deficiencies. What one feels, about themselves or others, is just one perspective. But it’s your own — it’s the default perspective, I’d say. There isn’t enough positive reinforcement in the world to change that if you struggle to “get out of your own head”.

I don’t get how a subject that is tied to human “decency” and just…baseline kindness towards others can somehow be talked about with a political air to it. I feel like political subjects are things spoken about within the context of man-made laws. And even though the concept of race (read:color) was created to further govern people, I think what it’s turned into is cultural. The severe fracture in “race-relations” (read:huemans) is not a political issue. The statements made out against racial injustices are not political statements. They’re cultural. If anyone comes out and says the culture of this nation is one that has made their people continue to be seen as less than, that’s not a statement that should lead to a political debate. It should lead to talks about customs that get passed down, ideas/beliefs that are shared in public and behind closed doors. It should lead to internal examinations of oneself. You can’t legislate hate and contempt out someone’s heart. You can’t veto the belief that a certain kind of life is easily expendable. And those kinds of statements shouldn’t send people into an opposing rage — unless they’re the people benefitting from these cultural deficiencies. Nobody wants their unearned good fortune fucked with.